Okay. I will start updating this regular...Soon. I think. haha.

Let's start again! :D no posts that are older than this one count anymore, kays? :3

So, when I next update it will be new, fresh and...NEW!

Also. I will change my layout-theme thing (if I can work out how to do it again) and just, yeah...When it's not 1:47 in the morning, though. I need sleep.

on a very quick note; I am so happy, <3

Okay, well...As you all know, my ex-boyfriend, Connor cheated on me while I was with him. We had been going out for two months and he started cheating on me a month into our relationship. Also, anyone who I spoke to it about knew I was completely torn up about it, it ruined my Christmas and just...Ruined me, basically. I’ve only just really started to get over it last and this week, that was until today. Can you guess what happens next?

This is going to get long. I’m going to go into detail, just so you know what you’re dealing with here. So if you don’t give a damn about what I have to say about this please, feel free to hit the back button, click a random link at the side or just click the x in the corner. I understand. Because I got warned this would happen if I let him back into my life, I was told he’d do this. So this is totally my fault. I’ve been a stupid teenager.

So, here we go;

The first thing I knew was weird was when Connor actually spoke to me first. We haven’t spoke since he came to me with a girl problem he was having, at the beginning of the year, which I helped him out with. We spoke once after that, but not properly it was literally just the ‘hey, how are you and what you up to?’ conversation and then he signed out. So. Yeah. But anyway... That doesn’t matter because we both said that, we’d be here for each other no matter what. So we only need to talk to each other if we have no one else.

He said ‘boo’. I said ‘heyaa’. He asked if I was okay, in which I replied ‘I’m cold D: but other than that, yeahh. You?’ He said ‘aww. Im so shit.’ So, I automatically went into panic mode, wondering what was up with him ahaha. So I asked why, and he said because he is a div. so I asked why again. And then he said ‘because I let you go.’ Well Connor, shit. (excuse my French) thanks for ripping down all the hope and stuff I had build up for getting over you. Jesus.

I didn’t reply to that straight away, I just sat there, staring at the words, so after a while of my silence he wrote ‘just ignore that bit please, I just had to say it.’ So I asked what happened with the other two girls he was having trouble with. And he told me that one of the girls got all weird and the other girl treated him like crap, pretty much how he treated me and I don’t know who sorry he is. So I told him how sorry I was to hear about them. And he said it was is fault, I asked how. And he said his name explains it. His name was ‘Why keep whats bad and push away whats good?’ :/ we kept talking about that for a while, then I said I hope things better for him, and he said only one good thing happened to him last year. I wasn’t going to ask what that was, because I know him and I know what he was gonna say. But he said it anyway.

He said the only good thing that happened to him last year was me.

And then he said he almost sent me this 9page text the other day, but stopped himself because he knew I was trying to get over him and he didn’t want to mess with that, but I told him to send it anyway. This is where I’m stuck. I don’t know if he means it or not. It was a really sweet text. It had me in tears and I read it over and over and over. He said it probably didn’t make much sense because it was 3am and written by a upset boy. ): it says (i haven’t edited nothing, only spelling because I couldn’t help myself lol);

“I lay here every night and all day, thinking of you (wish you did me) thinking of us and of what was and what could have been, then I think about how much I love you and how much I think you love me. Then I think of how much I want to sort this and get you back and not think what could have been and think of what will be. I don’t know how you feel about any of that but hope you still want me like I do u, I know we can sort all of this out and be happy again, you know we can be to. I don’t know, maybe I love you more and I’m not thinking properly. But I know the feeling I got when I was with you, it was amazing never felt anything like it and only time will feel it is when I’m with you and I know you got that same feeling, I know you like having me hold you and want me to again and I do to. When I have my arm around you I felt like we had been together forever, like id known you all my life and give me and u and us another chance and we will be an us for the rest r lives, from what you say you want that to and us to. I know your scared and worried but you don’t have to be. Look I guess what I’m trying to say is I love you and want you back, I know you did feel same and I hope you still do but I dont know maybe you don’t only u can tell me but I can say your the only 1 for me xxxxxxxxxx”

I want to believe every single last word of that text, and I do just because I want to. What do you think? I put it this way in my head ‘that text looks confused and not planned out at all, so he does mean it...He cheated on his last girlfriend, but he didn’t ask for her back again after...Everyone deserves a second chance, how will I ever know if he means this or not if I don’t give him a second chance?’ but then I think of how far I’ve got with out him, even though I still do love him, so much, too much but...Shit... I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, I haven’t. I need him. But...I don’t wanna be hurt again.

I admitted that I still loved him. I thought I may as well as be honest with him; it’s the least he deserves. And he asked why. I told him that I don’t know. I shouldn’t really, and I’ve been told to just forget about you but it’s really not that easy. You hurt me so bad, but I just cant stop thinking about you and I just do. He said I know I shouldn’t, and he knows it’s not easy because he thinks about me everyday. I said “but I do and I know its not going to change but I don’t know...I just don’t think I can make you happy. Because I obviously didn’t last time.” And he said I can, because I did.

(Bored yet?)

Then he told me he really misses me, I said I don’t know why you would, there’s not much to miss and he said there is. I told him I missed him loads too, and he’s always on my mind, mostly all the times he made me smile and how good he made me feel. Then he said ‘I’m sorry, I did always tell you that you deserved better.’ And then I said, possibly one of the cheesiest lines ever. Always count on me to come out with a cheesy line. I said ‘I didn’t want anyone else though, I wanted you.’ Then he said he still does want me.

He wanted to stop talking about it after that, because he didn’t want to bring me down. But I felt I had to get it all out of the way. We basically spoke about how he did mean everything he had ever said to me and how he still means it...

And then I said I had to go, because I wanted to think about everything that has just been said, and about what I’m going to do.

So what do you think I’m gonna do? I know he cheated. But I love him. Some people really do regret cheating on their partners, right? And let’s say I did take him back, and he does it again...I’ll know to just forget about him then. Because I wonder everyday what it’d be like to have sorted this all out with him. I miss him so much it’s unexplainable. I just...I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

I'm so...Grrr.
I dont even KNOW what i am. :/

i've known this boy for like, two weeks tops, right?
And he came over to my house the other night.
We played Guitar Hero 3 and we barely even spoke.
Then he like invites himself over to stay the night (which no one knew about til the morning)
Mum found him on the sofa at about 7AM. so she kicked him out. haha.
He didn't even ask, he just said to Dan "I think ill stay here the night."

Anyway.
So we're talking on MSN. and he suddenly says to me "There's been developments, but i dont know how to say it."
So i was like "Developments on what?"
and all i got in reply was "On how much i like you."

Bingo. Yatzeeee.
CRAP! OR! WHAT!

I'm NEVER going to like him more than a friend, wanna know how i know why?

Because he does my TOP THREE turn offs.
He smokes. He drinks. and most of all he smokes POT.
Top three turns off, nailed on the head right there.
Not only does he smoke, he smokes ALL the time. Every two minutes he lights up another.
Grosssss!!! >_<

So. i just basically told him i don't know him enough to determine whether i like him back or not.
And it takes me a long time to trust someone (which is all true, by the way)
Then he was like "So we'll work on it."
and i stupidly said "Sounds good."
so now im leading him on. *sigh*

i feel like such a bitch. i dont know what to do.
what am i gonna do?

Im hoping that he'll go right off me soon, because he is one of those boys that doesn't really get to 'like' someone, they just 'lust' for them and move on...I hope.
=/

Maybe my brothers will put him off me...Or maybe if i avoid him..or..Oh God. I DON'T KNOW!! ): ): ):

X's and Oh's
SamBam